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October 30th, 2004
11:09 pm - la la la la la
So, I haven't written in a while but i am here alone on a Saturday night and I figured I would write to get my mind off things. I got home from work about an hour ago and when I was pulling in, Angela was pulling out and it kind of made me sad because I am always so busy and I never get to go out with friends. They figure "oh, she has to work or has class so she can't possibly go with us so why ask her. She will say no anyway." That is true but it would be nice to get asked sometimes. Do you ever feel like when you are around certain people they act different then when you are alone with them or ignore you around other people? I have been feeling like this lately and I know it is just my being self conscious but I hate feeling this way.
Other than that life has been pretty crazy. It is crunch time in school and I am not doing as well as I would like to be. I got a 72% on my last test which is an F in nursing. Isn't that nuts! Work sucks. I really want to quit but I am so afraid I will be broke by the end of the year. I have enough to last me but I feel like being at work is a waste of time because I make no money. I made 23$ tonight on a Saturday night. Chris seems to be calling me drunk lately and telling me all that mushy stuff. He has no idea what he wants.
Well, I will end with happy circle to lighten the mood. I am so excited about the holidays coming up. It is getting cooler and cooler by the day, which reminds me of the old days in NJ. I had a great time at Mickey's not so scary Halloween Party. I may be able to go Skiing in December. Stephanie, my best friend, is buying my old car( more money!). I have off friday and Saturday next week which means I can finally go to a game this season. And I think that's it so far. I have to get studying. I have a test, a paper, a project and an assessment all due next week.
Current Mood:  lonely
Current Music: Anna Nicole show. I know I'm retarded
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October 18th, 2004
09:58 am - "all by myself, don't wanna be"
So, I'm still working my ass off and getting nothing accomplished. Last night though, my friend Greg came into work and left me a 30$ tip. I couldn't believe it. If it weren't for him I would have made 15$ Max. I am broker than ever so he helped me lots. I can't seem to get out of this sad funk that I am always in. It is like a constant sad circle with me. I want to be social again. I hear everyone talking about what good times they have and I hate that I can't be there. Growing up sucks. The last night I made a total ass out of myself by crying my eyes out once again to Chris and the only thing he has to say is that, "the one thing that will make you feel better I can't say". Asshole. How can you give up the one thing that means the world to you and still have the guts to tell her how much you love her everyday. I will never understand. I hope I find the man who sweeps me off my feet soon so I can get over chris. I hate being sad. It's like everything goes great and there is always something missing. Everywhere I go I see people together and it's like I just had that and I want it back. All this cool weather makes me happy but it also reminds me of going to vermont to see chris. I remember getting off the plane and getting a cold breeze in my face with butterflies in my stomach because I was so excited to see him after months and months. Songs don't help either. Everything reminds me of him. Everywhere I go I see his face. Yesterday I saw a guy who looked just like him from behind and he turned around and it wasn't him. Now he tells me he may not come home for Thanksgiving because he can't afford it. It's like a bullet through my stomach. I miss him so much.
Current Mood:  frustrated
Current Music: Shania Twain- up
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October 16th, 2004
11:48 am - I'm sorry
I was talking to Angela this morning and she told me that if you are absent three times that you are on probation in the sisterhood. I didn't know that. I am panicking now. I spent all this money to be active and now I may not be. Plus, I am not marching because I am so busy and now I may be kicked out of the one thing that is fun for me. Granted lately I can't be there for anything,but I still was to be apart of everything. I got this new job and the catch is that I am not allowed to ask off on the weekend. So, to make it to a game is always iffy because I don't know if I'll have to work. Same goes with everything else except Thursday meetings. Plus, I can't afford to not work because I am making so little. It was the craziest night of my life last night and I walked with $27.00. I am going insane. I even spilled a whole margarita on my manager. I can't live like this. If things don't get better I am looking for a new Job. Plus, I have like a trillion things due for school. I am so overwhelmed. To the sisters that are reading this please don't think I am a slacker. I really want to be involved and I hope things get better so I can be.
Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: Men banging on my neighbors roof
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October 11th, 2004
07:56 pm - Busy Busy Busy
I haven't been writing much lately. Not that I've had this thing for long but I like it so far. To get your thoughts on paper is a stress reliever. I have been crazy lately. I had a test last week that I studied and studied for even in between class, clinicals and training for Don Pablos. I went to CNC on Thursday and we had to ride a bus. I guess to get us familiar with what is is like to have to do that everyday. I am used to it because I rode the city bus to school when we moved in order to stay at my middle school when my Mom had to work. The others in my CNC had never been on a bus. Except, Heng, My Malaysian friend who is an absolute blast. That night Denise, Amanda, Adriene, Michelle and I went to Cowboys which was so much more fun then last time I went. Last time I got really frustrated because I wasn't getting the dances and was by myself most of the night. This time Amanda and I stuck together when we didn't know the dances. We got a few booty dances in there too. That was fun!! Reverse Reverse!
On Friday, It was a free day but really it was a day to get caught up on errands. I told Denise about what I had to do and her schedule was similar so we got up at the crack of dawn because I had to have a fit test and 900 was the only time they had. I don't even know what a fit test is but I had to have it in order to be in the hospital. So, I had to be there at 845 and they made us what 45 min for something that takes 5 min. Then we ran a few more errands. Lastly I went to Best buy in traffic and I got there to install my stereo and they couldn't fit me in. I spent 2 hours in traffic. The day got more frustrating.
I had my OB rotation this weekend, which is where we observe women in labor,assess newborns, and other baby stuff. The first day was really disappointing. There was a c-section but the nurse asked the mother at the wrong time and she said no to us watching. We did get to do a lot with the infants. We fed twins and one peed on me. Everyone was laughing. Then the next day we did sooo much. A 16 year old girl was in labor and when the nurse asked her if we could be there she was hesitant but then we got to know her because she had no support and she was scared. She had no idea what was happening to her. Finally she had the baby and it was another one of those moments in life you will always remember. I saw my cousin be born but there was something about this girl that I will always remember. Then we saw a c-section. That was awesome. I have had such a rough weekend. Two twelve hour shifts and then having to get up at 6 to go to class this morning.
I feel really bad about how I acted Sunday. I was really stressed and tired and so the girls were home when I got there and they were airing the house out to save electric. For some reason I freaked out on them because I was hot and tired. The house was messy and I have OCD about mess so I was really rude and so If you are reading this I am so sorry for being such a bitch. I really didn't mean it. We all have been under a lot of stress.
Today, I had my first shift at work not training. I made 6 bucks all night. Yes, 6 dollars. It was horrible. I had two tables and they had appetizers and split stuff. Cheap Bastards! Anyway, I am working 5 shifts this week. It is crazy. I don't know how to function anymore. I hope I can relax soon. I just want to sleep. I am tired, broke and sad. Chris is on my mind constantly and he is going with some random girl to a ball so he won't have to go stag. That drives me nuts that I have no say. Will this feeling ever go away?
Current Mood:  drained
Current Music: The Real World
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October 2nd, 2004
09:36 pm - Pablos
So, I started training today at Don Pablos. I don't know what to think about the place yet. Everyone seems really nice but I hate that initial "new girl" mentality. The managers seem real nice. I actually work with a guy that I used to work with at Hops. He has a Bull Mastiff that he is in love with named Tessa so, he loves big dogs. So, today I brought Ella to see him. He thought she was really beautiful.
I am home now and my feet hurt. I picked up over 20 full trays of food. My arm is going to be so tired and I have to be there again at 10:30 for server training. I have no idea where everyone is. I am tempted to call but I really have to get studying out of the way. I hate that I can't be social but everyone in the nursing program says the same thing, "how did I get so boring?" Anyway, better go do that!
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: True Life
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October 1st, 2004
09:24 pm - Olivia
So....
Today Was really tough for me and I just have to vent. So I am going to start out with a story. I have told many people about my situation and I am sure most people know that I have two moms. I am not the kind of person who shouts it from the roof tops. Actually, it's been really hard for me at times but as I've gotten older I realize how proud I am of my family and I am not afraid to talk about it anymore. However, before my Mother, Amy was with Lori she was with Christine for seven years. Well, about 3 years into their relationship they decided to get pregnant. My Mom had a hysterectomy after my brother so she was not in the running so Christine got pregnant. She had Olivia on October 28, 1997. I was their the day she was born and every day after for three precious years of her life. She was my sister and no one could tell me otherwise. Christine was always a weird person. She was seriously bipolar and would come home drunk all the time and we would take care of Olivia. As long as I could hold onto her I was okay, even when Christine would go into her raving fits. 3 years later Christine and My Mom split up. After, Her and Olivia moved into a condo that we helped them find. I would see her all the time until my Mom met Lori. After that Christine refused to let us see her and since then I have not seen her in four years.
Today though I had the opportunity to do vision screenings at her school with my nursing program. I told everybody so that if I were to cry when I saw her they would understand why. I asked a lady if she knew who she was and she said yes and that she was in Mrs. Commins class. I waited and waited and finally she walked in. It was my baby girl but all grown up. She didn't have her little voice anymore but she had the same face. My biggest fear was that she wouldn't recognize me. She was three the last time I saw her. I said " Honey, do you remember me?" and she said "no". I think it was because I looked like everybody else in my uniform and then I said, " It's me, Tasha" and her face lit up. I said " Do you remember Amy, Luke and me?" You used to live with us". Then she gave me a hug and I lost it. I started shaking because I couldn't hold back my tears. I gave her a letter to give to Christine. It said my address and phone number and it said to call me if I could watch her. I said " You give this to your Mommy because I miss you and I want to see you". After, I did the screening on her and I told her I loved her and she went back to her teacher all giddy. I couldn't hold it together after that, I have had so many dreams about seeing her and wondering what it would be like. It is so hard for people to understand because I guess it's hard to consider us a family, but we were. I took care of her when she had a bad dream and she slept with me when she was cold and lonely. I am still choked up about it. I wonder if I will ever see her again. But even if I never do at least I saw her one more time and that's all I ever wanted.
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Third Watch
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September 29th, 2004
06:10 pm - So These are the days of our lives
So, today was an intersting day. I had a 7:30 class this morning and I thought I was going to be late but I managed to be on time. It seems like the nursing program has a lot of repetition. I swear I've learned about the nursing process at least 5 times before today's lecture. I managed to stay awake for most of the class then I got so sleepy that I went home to take a nap. During this time I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that two girls that I sit in class with drugged me and I wound up at my Mom's house but it wasn't her house. I kept telling everyone that I had been drugged but no one would believe me. Weird! I wonder what that means.
By the afternoon things got worse. I went back to class and found out that I got an 82% on a test. I would be extatic but come to find out the average was an 87% and an 82% is a C. You'd think since classes were harder that they'd help you out with the grading scale. I also got an 80% and a 70% on two quizzes. Everyone else seems to be doing so much better than me. I can't figure out what I am doing wrong. Anyway, I also was in the running for a job at Don Pablos because Hops closed down but I called today and he said he had no room for me. I pleaded with him though and I got an interview at 3pm tomorrow. Also, I got a fortune cookie that says " Financial hardships in your life is coming to an end. Enjoy!" so maybe that's a good sign.
I am supposed to go out tonight with my friend Greg that I met at Hops but I wish I could tell him that I really want to concentrate on school. He is such a nice guy and I feel like I avoid him to much due to other things going on. I'm not sure what his expectations are but I sure made it clear that I am definitely not over Chris. I actually talk to Chris everyday. I wish things weren't so screwed up.
Anyway, besides that my life is going good. I have a great house, great roomates, great family. I am completely set up. If only I could get out of this funk that I am always in.
Current Mood:  weird
Current Music: The 6:30 News
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September 26th, 2004
10:27 pm - Why me?
So I am here still waiting for this damn hurricane to pass. Everyone else is playing drinking games but I am not up for it tonight. I think I am a little stir crazy. Not that I am not loving the fact that I actually have friends for the first time in my life. Also, Chris just made me cry and I am a little sad. We were talking about how much we missed each other. Sometimes I dream that he will say I want us to work and I will do anything to be together but I know that isn't reality. I was looking for a picture to put on here and all I kept seeing were pictures of us. I'm sure the girls were sick and tired of me even mentioning him all the time but he has been my best friend for 3 years. I don't know who else to talk about. It hurts to keep my mouth shut because I feel like I am letting him go and I can't. Will I ever get over him? I don't ever want to. I am so stupid. I still leave a space for him on my bed like he will come back and hold me. That's probably what i miss the most is being held in his arms. I just still can't get over the fact that we are not getting married and he is not the person I will spend the rest of my life with. It is easy not to think about him when I am busy but I guess now i am sad because I am bored. Eating non stop is not helping either but we are so bored there is nothing else to do. I feel so fat. I have gained so much weight and I can't get into my usual mind set. I used to be disgusted by fattening food. What happened? I need to really start feeling good again. Maybe one day. This too shall pass I guess. Well I've said to much already. Guess I better be social before they all think I am a loser.
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Here without you
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September 25th, 2004
10:36 pm - WOOT!
HEY yeah so i was pressured in to a live Journal! We are sitting here waiting for another hurricane. Go away Jean! We are about to get smashed on hurricanes. I hope I don't get sick. I am anticipating on what picture to put up on here. I not good at this. I am so random. I'll get better.
Current Mood:  amused
Current Music: Jessica's weird Indian shit!
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